Defeated

I won’t be blogging too much for a while. Internet was disconnected as was cable. Legal fees are $$$. Today I was denied yet another visit. Of course, my ex waited until I had already driven to said meeting spot and waited 20 minutes before letting me know. Typical obsessively vindictive behavior from him. I find it downright disturbing that someone could be so consistently vindictive day in and day out for 17 straight months. That takes a lot of hate and negative energy. Apparently my daughter is upset with me again. And, he is now the savior again. He must save her from me again. I admit I am not a perfect mom and know I probably say or do things I should not from time to time but I have done the very best I can while trying to fight my way through this nightmare that I am living. The nightmare of family court and a vindictive, obsessive, narcissistic, controlling alienator. I have done the best I can with what I have. There is nothing to prepare you for having to deal with this stress while also dealing with emotions and fear and grief of losing your child and struggling financially and every other which way. I do not expect my daughter to understand this – yet – although I hope one day she does. I feel I have fought long and hard with all I have and it is just a losing battle. I am sure my ex will be filing the standard “emergency motion” to try and stop my visits again. At this point, all I have is public visits and thousands of dollars in legal fees. I assume he will now try and take my measly public visits away. We know that will take several months to get a hearing and in the meantime, we know from experience that he will deny me all visits until then. That is what he did before. When my coached, alienated and brainwashed daughter finally testified, at his urging, I had not even been allowed to see or speak to her for months. Sounds fair, right? At that point it would be time for a trial anyhow. Ridiculous. We also know that when I do go to court about this, the Judge will disregard me and berate me and demean me and treat me like garbage as is his standard protocol. Therefore, I have to do what I have to do at this point for my own sanity and for financial reasons (basic needs). I will be moving to go stay with a friend of mine in another state to try and get back on my feet. Hopefully it will make my daughter’s life less stressful if I am not around anymore. Also if I am gone and stay away, then hopefully my ex won’t feel the need to manipulate and interfere and harass anymore. That will hopefully alleviate some stress for my daughter. I will sacrifice myself if I have too. I don’t want to hurt her by saying or doing the wrong things and keep making her mad at me and I also don’t want either one of us to have to continue being harassed and being subjected to such toxic and hostile behavior from her father. I love her and I hope she knows that. And, I hope she loves me too. My heart is broken and I just don’t know what else to do anymore. I am defeated and exhausted. I am hurt that my daughter does not want to see me now. It seems everything that I say upsets her these days. Partly her age, mostly the alienation. I have tried to talk to her a little bit recently to try and resolve some things and gage her feelings and I guess it made her mad. I guess I should have stuck to just talking to her about the weather. That is pretty much what our relationship has been allowed to be reduced to over the last 17 months. She seems happy where she is. I admit it hurts me deeply and shatters my heart and soul to think she would rather live with a father who was never there for her and a step-mother she barely knows (and does not always care for) instead of me, the mom who raised her. But, I am not a psychologist and I have to quit trying to “understand” and makes “sense” or “logic” of things that are “senseless” and “illogical”. I am sure I have made mistakes or said wrong things but I am only human. I am a hurting, sad mom and I am only human so I apologize for that. I cannot even talk to her like her mother anymore. I am almost afraid to say anything anymore. I am sad that she does not seem to remember the truth. I tried to reach out to her via text but the response I got did not seem like “her” so I think HE is pretending to be her again and that HE sent the response. The wording was off. And now she is offline which she never is (on this ooVoo thing) so I think he has made it so that we will have no contact. As of course, that is what is best for her, right? I love you, sweet pea. I miss you. I am so sorry for everything you have been thru. As your mom, I never wanted this for you. I only wanted to love you and protect you. I only wanted for you to be happy. I pray you are safe, healthy and happy where you are now. I miss you so much it hurts. I miss the life we had. I am so sorry for whatever I have done to make you angry at me. Please forgive me. I will always love you  ❤ Love, Mama.

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17 thoughts on “Defeated

  1. My heart goes out to you as you fight this evil court system, and fight to remain in your daughter’s life.

    Speaking from my own experiences in family court, and dealing with traumatized children…I want to empathize to you that your child is just as much a victim as you are. ONLY you have escaped the abuse, been able to enjoy life with some freedom and begun to heal. Your daughter is still in that dysfunctional environment, and being bombarded every day. I know this hurts, and is almost impossible to endure…I just want to say that your daughter’s behaviors, emotions, actions and even her relationship to you is being manipulated and pressured by the abuse. It is NOT your fault–that she is having this reaction. Some kids even develop attachment disorders bc of all this trauma and being separated from their Mom.

    My ex was so devious that he would sabotage my visits with my kids, and then get them all upset, and make it look like it was my fault. Like he would plan a visit, and the kids would wait & wait to see me. Only the ex would not tell me of his plans. And at the very last minute ask if I wanted to see my kids. So of course I say yes, drop everything, and run over there. Then he would either changes the plans or cancel the visit or tell my kids how bad it was going to be or promise to take them somewhere fun so they would not want to be with me. Next thing the kids are upset, confused and torn up emotionally. The ex would then tell the Court the kids don’t want to see me, take away the visitation. And after the ex “won” he would ignore and neglect the kids–all the fun comes to an end, and Mom is gone again. These kids are living in hell! They are being manipulated, and used as pawns. They don’t understand what is happening or why. And we Moms bear the brunt of their pain and frustration and even anger…it is not fair. And not right. I am so sorry for you, and just want you to know you are not alone. xo

    • Thank you EJ. I agree with everything you said. I am so sad at the time that has and still is being stolen from my daughter and myself. And the close, loving, mother daughter relationship we once had. She is too young to understand the severity and the permanency of the consequences like I do so it just breaks my heart. The lost time, the stolen relationship, the permanent damage. I only pray that one day she sees what he has done to us. And, holds him accountable. Thank you for sharing your story with me. It helps validate my feelings. My heart goes out to you as well ❤

  2. K

    As i read this tears are streaming down my face. I know how much and how deeply you LOVE her as this is what most parents do. I know the battle and the fight you have put up!!! You have continuously fought a never ending battle against a corrupt police officer and most importantly a corrupt bias justice system where there is actually no justice. I have been there with you for over 30 years and know what an incredible mother you are and have always been. I know the fight you have put up and the sacrifices you have made to do what is right for your daughter!! THIS IS NOT RiGHT in any way that a parent has to walk away from the child they raised by themselves. It is sickening that our court systems do not protect and just close their eyes. Nobody wants to help or care its all about money!!!

    I prayer that one day that your daughter sees the light and wakes up from this nightmare. I prayer for her safety. I know one day she will need therapy ( real therapy) not a few sessions with an ex partner and friend of the family.

    I prayer for you K that you can find some peace and strength from somewhere but I know that is asking a lot as she is your world as most children are their parents world. A real parent protects their children not abuse them as he has done. I pray that I never have to endure this same nightmare that you have.

    I prayer one day for karma and justice to find your ex.

    I LOVE you K!!! Xoxo

    • I can’t read it without crying, either. Seems like my heart will never heal sometimes. Just so sad and don’t know how to make it better. I don’t think anything but having my daughter back would help. Love you too ❤

    • And yes, it is all about the money. Even today my lawyer texted me after weeks of me emailing her and telling her of issues (which she did not read apparently) and told me she is basically working for free for me and if I give up then why should she continue to work for free for me? I have been telling her for months that finances are not going to hold up forever, that he is not paying his support and that I am struggling bad. Why did she not do something sooner? She acts like I have not fought? What does she suggest? That I live in a cardboard box on the streets? Yes, I am sure this Judge would give me my daughter back in a heartbeat then, right? She is still blaming the problems of my case on the delay from the previous lawyer that had my case from Sep 2012 to Mar 2013. Hello. I fired him in Mar 2013 and hired her because of his slow progress and now she has had my case almost a solid year and accomplished nothing. I don’t get paid at my job for accomplishing nothing. But lawyers do. My case has been destroyed and all his contempt has been allowed because lawyers don’t want to work hard on your case if you don’t have wads of cash to throw at them constantly. Then they want to blame others when the case goes down tubes. And they actually twist it around and try and make YOU feel bad as if they are working for FREE for you. As if you have not already paid them every last dime you had and lost your child on top of it. What they should be doing is apologizing to you and refunding half your money. Unreal.

    • No mother should ever be forced away by the hate of an ex — that is never in the child’s best interest, nor anyone else’s for that matter. Unfortunately, so many loving moms (no, we are not perfect, but we’ve done & do our best in abusive circumstances) have had mental poisoning, corruption, & manipulation steal our child away — a child who is left in the hands of an obviously extremely unhealthy person, to put it mildly. Our child’s heart, innocence, & emotional safety has been stolen!

  3. Pingback: Defeated | Moms' Hearts Unsilenced

  4. Keep expressing your pain & hurt. It is insane for a mother to be cut off from her daughter. I am concerned about your daughter being in the hands of someone who would do that, as I know you are. I quit the courtroom battle for the very reasons you are: I ran out of money, but most importantly, it was a dog & pony show to further abuse me & pull my daughter into her dad’s sick game. See my post “Reaching out Beyond Parental Alienation.” Educate those who know your daughter — friends’ parents, the school personnel — this isn’t easy or always possible because of the control & orchestrations of an extreme & obsessed alienating parent, but the important thing to note is that at some point in time, his facade will crack in front of someone who influences your daughter. Articles from experts & stories from other moms can’t be suppressed forever. You have a talent for presenting logic (& sarcasm haha); keep it up somehow. Stay creative & use your art. Art is more powerful than family court.

    • I can relate. My ex studied to be a social worker, interestingly after I became a counselor. He uses psychology to abuse our daughter. And hacks and stalks too. He is likely reading this post. Who cares? We, Moms, love our kids. Our childrens’ hateful alienators can try and wreck our bonds with our kids but we cannot let them succeed. And please, K, do not let him break your Spirit. You seem like a good person. Get back on your feet. Defend yourself if you must. After pouring close to 50 K into divorce and custody proceedings, I have been pro se. It would be hard to provide for my daughter if I was bankrupt. Difficult but not impossible! Hold true to YOU and remember who YOU were before he decided to start playing with the emotions of your child. Fun for him. Heartache for us and our children. Defeated at an imaginary battle that he initiates and orchestrates, using Family Court as his battle field. But you are a winner just by blogging your feelings and still trying to reach out to your daughter. Targeted parents must hang tough because we are dealing with tampered, kidnapped minds. It is very delicate business. Keep talking about the weather, with love. Do all things for your daughter, for her alone, with love. LOVE will win. Who knows how long it will take with the Courts and “helping” professions mucking it up? If you continue to be that safe harbor, she will, eventually, come to remember your mother/daughter love. I say this for your benefit, as much as mine. Namaste.

      • Thank you M. Ryan for the kind words. I never had any idea this kind of thing could happen. I am still sitting here stunned and with my mouth hanging open at everything that has been “allowed” to happen. Praying for you and your daughter as well.

    • Thank you. I am feeling so angry the past few days. I just can’t help it. Sadness, then anger, then guilt, then grief, then back to sadness ….. the vicious cycle of an alienated mom. And yes, I can be a tad sarcastic at times 😉

  5. My own mother fell apart before court proceedings even began. She did not believe she had any strength left to stand up to my father. We were living in the upstairs apartment of HIS parents, SHE had an affair (at the time she thought this other man would be her ‘ticket out’ of her bad marriage). She may have been right that she would not have ‘won’, because I believe my father planned to stop at nothing to gain custody and control. In fact, many years later, my grandmother (my father’s mother) told me that on the day he was to go to court for custody hearings, he asked her to pack a bag for me and my sister, because if our mother was granted custody, he was going to sneak us away to Canada.
    So I understand the manipulation and determination of the alternator. I wish there was more help and more answers for the alienated parent and children. I continue to move forward with my memoir, because telling my own story is the best way I know to shed light on this tragedy.

    • Thank you. I am so glad you are writing a book and I want to buy a signed copy (or two) when its done – one for my daughter. I have not even made it to “trial” yet but after almost 2 years of this circus, I don’t think I will make it to trial in June. I do not have the money and not sure I have the spirit anymore either. So much damage has been done. All I can do is tell my daughter that I love her and miss her and am always here if she needs me. I don’t know what else to do. I have tried everything I could to fix this nightmare and it only gets worse 😦

  6. Hello to all, I’ve read a lot of these posts on this site and I’ve realized that every thing that I gone thru emotionally over the last 4 years was, and is perfectly normal. My daughter was 4 years old when my ex took her and started a new life with a new woman. I can’t begin to explain the empty ness and loss that I experienced. Ashamed , defeated and with no family support at all , I believed that she was better off with her dad, at the the me I’d become homeless from a messy separation. I’ve tryed to make contact with her several times but her father always denied me access to my daughter. The last time I saw my daughter was on her 5th birthday. Thanks to a great friend who organized a play date for my daughter &her son. Today thru the tears and heartache, I stand tall, with court papers in hand , I will stand in front of a judge and smile sweetly and the court sees that I have done nothing wrong, not even a criminal record. No doubt, I’ll have to piss in a cup, or give a sample , just to prove to the court that my ex and his claims are all just fables. My daughter does not know who I am, her step mum has told her that I’m a witch from hell. And to top it all off, I live 20 minutes by car from my door to hers. Today she turns 8, My child who wakes today in her protected fabricated world. Her mother wakes before dawn to coffee and ciggerette, while memories of the day she was born are still as clear as crystal. The three birthdays that I had with her were always special, I’d go overboard with presents and parties,.Watching the sunrise, there’s no presents no card not even a phone call to let her know I care. Acceptance takes the place of guilt. And maybe from others perpective , it may have looked like i gave up, but its time ive needed to rebuild after having my whole world taken, shaken and destroyed.But I have and will never give up when it comes to my daughter. I know someday when the time is right I’ll be able to wish her happy birthday to her sweet face, until that day , I’ll wait and play the legal game with her father. No matter what……I will know my daughter.

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