I won’t be blogging too much for a while. Internet was disconnected as was cable. Legal fees are $$$. Today I was denied yet another visit. Of course, my ex waited until I had already driven to said meeting spot and waited 20 minutes before letting me know. Typical obsessively vindictive behavior from him. I find it downright disturbing that someone could be so consistently vindictive day in and day out for 17 straight months. That takes a lot of hate and negative energy. Apparently my daughter is upset with me again. And, he is now the savior again. He must save her from me again. I admit I am not a perfect mom and know I probably say or do things I should not from time to time but I have done the very best I can while trying to fight my way through this nightmare that I am living. The nightmare of family court and a vindictive, obsessive, narcissistic, controlling alienator. I have done the best I can with what I have. There is nothing to prepare you for having to deal with this stress while also dealing with emotions and fear and grief of losing your child and struggling financially and every other which way. I do not expect my daughter to understand this – yet – although I hope one day she does. I feel I have fought long and hard with all I have and it is just a losing battle. I am sure my ex will be filing the standard “emergency motion” to try and stop my visits again. At this point, all I have is public visits and thousands of dollars in legal fees. I assume he will now try and take my measly public visits away. We know that will take several months to get a hearing and in the meantime, we know from experience that he will deny me all visits until then. That is what he did before. When my coached, alienated and brainwashed daughter finally testified, at his urging, I had not even been allowed to see or speak to her for months. Sounds fair, right? At that point it would be time for a trial anyhow. Ridiculous. We also know that when I do go to court about this, the Judge will disregard me and berate me and demean me and treat me like garbage as is his standard protocol. Therefore, I have to do what I have to do at this point for my own sanity and for financial reasons (basic needs). I will be moving to go stay with a friend of mine in another state to try and get back on my feet. Hopefully it will make my daughter’s life less stressful if I am not around anymore. Also if I am gone and stay away, then hopefully my ex won’t feel the need to manipulate and interfere and harass anymore. That will hopefully alleviate some stress for my daughter. I will sacrifice myself if I have too. I don’t want to hurt her by saying or doing the wrong things and keep making her mad at me and I also don’t want either one of us to have to continue being harassed and being subjected to such toxic and hostile behavior from her father. I love her and I hope she knows that. And, I hope she loves me too. My heart is broken and I just don’t know what else to do anymore. I am defeated and exhausted. I am hurt that my daughter does not want to see me now. It seems everything that I say upsets her these days. Partly her age, mostly the alienation. I have tried to talk to her a little bit recently to try and resolve some things and gage her feelings and I guess it made her mad. I guess I should have stuck to just talking to her about the weather. That is pretty much what our relationship has been allowed to be reduced to over the last 17 months. She seems happy where she is. I admit it hurts me deeply and shatters my heart and soul to think she would rather live with a father who was never there for her and a step-mother she barely knows (and does not always care for) instead of me, the mom who raised her. But, I am not a psychologist and I have to quit trying to “understand” and makes “sense” or “logic” of things that are “senseless” and “illogical”. I am sure I have made mistakes or said wrong things but I am only human. I am a hurting, sad mom and I am only human so I apologize for that. I cannot even talk to her like her mother anymore. I am almost afraid to say anything anymore. I am sad that she does not seem to remember the truth. I tried to reach out to her via text but the response I got did not seem like “her” so I think HE is pretending to be her again and that HE sent the response. The wording was off. And now she is offline which she never is (on this ooVoo thing) so I think he has made it so that we will have no contact. As of course, that is what is best for her, right? I love you, sweet pea. I miss you. I am so sorry for everything you have been thru. As your mom, I never wanted this for you. I only wanted to love you and protect you. I only wanted for you to be happy. I pray you are safe, healthy and happy where you are now. I miss you so much it hurts. I miss the life we had. I am so sorry for whatever I have done to make you angry at me. Please forgive me. I will always love you ❤ Love, Mama.