Another Mother’s Day is fast approaching. Last Mother’s Day, 2013, we were prevented by others from being together on Mother’s Day for the first time in our lives. Despite both of us putting in our best efforts to try and see each other. You tried as hard as I did to make seeing each other possible. We did our best so it is not our fault.
I am afraid that I won’t be able to make the trip to see you this year. I simply don’t have the money to travel this year. To be honest, I am afraid that even if I could afford to travel, others would try to prevent us from being together again.
This would hurt me beyond words. Jumping through hoop after hoop with the hope of being able to see you. Like I did last year. Trying my best to play the game. Being at the mercy of others. Only to be let down. Again and again. Last year shattered my heart and I know it hurt you too. Mother’s Day was supposed to be our special day and I was not even allowed to speak to you.
Daughter, you will learn one day, that there are people in this world that are just not nice. Sometimes these people will be strangers who you don’t even know. Sometimes they will be acquaintences such as co-workers or friends of friends. But, sometimes, they will be people who you love. People who you care about and who are very close to you. Listen to your gut and trust it. If it feels wrong, it is.
People like this are broken inside where you cannot see. They enjoy hurting others and causing them pain. They enjoy playing games and manipulating others feelings. These are people that are insecure, selfish, vindictive and jealous. Sometimes they just have no feelings, empathy or conscious so it does not bother them to hurt someone else.
Know that people such as this are so unhappy with themselves on the inside, even if they appear happy and normal on the outside, that they derive pleasure by manipulating, controlling and hurting others. They feel joy when they cause others pain. I know it is hard to believe this. Especially if it is someone close to us that is causing us this pain. The reason it is hard to believe is because we are not like this at all. So, it is hard for us to understand – or even believe – that someone else could be this way. But, they are.
You have asked me before if I know that you love me. It is usually after we have not been talking or seeing each other. Or, when you don’t call me or respond to my messages for a long time. It is usually after I sometimes get upset because I don’t hear from you and I miss you so badly. And then after I apologize to you for getting upset, you will sometimes reflect on things and then ask me if I know you love me.
I think what you are trying to tell me is that you love me no matter what. That you are aware, deep down, on some level, that what has happened to us is not right and is not OK. That even though you are probably confused and not sure how, why and when everything got so messed up, that you know, deep down in your heart, that it is not normal or OK for a mother and daughter to be separated like this.
What I want you to know, daughter, is that, yes, I do know that you love me. Even if you don’t tell me. Even if you don’t call me. Even if you don’t see me. Even if you don’t respond to my calls, messages and texts. Even if you love and care about others that have hurt me. Yes, I do know that you love me. And, I love you.
I love you even if you don’t tell me that you love me. I love you even if you don’t call me. I love you even if you don’t see me. I love you even if you ignore my calls, texts and messages. I love you even if you say that you have not received my messages, calls and texts when I know that you have. I love you even if you care and love others who have hurt me and made me sad.
Daughter, my love for you is unconditional and always will be. I may not always be the perfect mother, but my love for you IS perfect. I won’t pretend that not seeing you for two Mother’s Day weekends in a row won’t hurt me. It will. It will be a very rough day for me. It will make me very sad that you are once again spending your Mother’s Day weekend with a new step-mother instead of me, the mother who raised you alone since birth. But, I will know that you love me. And, I love you.