I cry out of the blue. I get angry out of the blue. I hear things that trigger reminders of the hell that I have been going thru for the past 16 months and my mood shifts from sad to optimistic to angry. The daily parental alienation roller coaster …….. I would not wish this pain on anyone. My fear is that I don’t ever see an end in sight. Even after my daughter is 18 and an “adult” by law, this permanent damage cannot be undone. You can’t un-ring the bell. Just makes me so so sad that our lives are forever altered and not in a good way. I get so frustrated. Why did she have to say what she said in court? I know she was coached. I know she was brainwashed. I know she was intimidated and harassed for 16 months by her father, his new wife, their friends and family. I know I have wanted to give up more than once so I am sure she has too. I just hoped so badly that she would remember and tell the truth about everything. I am so sad that she is so tainted that she unknowingly threw me under the family court bus. Why would she say she wants to live with her father for the “majority” of the time? Doesn’t she know any problems that we have can be worked out? Problems that are a direct result of the last 16 months of HIS constant interference and manipulation. It breaks my heart. Is the built in step-sister / BFF so much fun that it trumps her mom? Is having a new baby half sister such a fun and new novelty that her mom does not matter anymore? Is it all that plus the lack of supervision at their house that she likes – such as she can stay up until 3am with her step-sister and watch scary movies and social network on all kinds of internet sites? She is only 12 so that worries me constantly yet I have no control to be able to protect her. I don’t have the money or the spirit to continue this fight or re-start this fight at a later date should she ever “change her mind” at some point in the future and want to come back home so I can only now pray for her happiness, safety and well-being at their home. I feel like I have to move forward with my life, start rebuilding (financially, physically, emotionally, spiritually) and find a way to accept what has happened. I feel like I have fought as hard as I could with everything I had for as long as I could. Including having to fight my own lawyers to try and get them to take action for me and move my case along. It is just exhausting. Now I am having to not only fight a vindictive, pathological lying ex-husband; his psychotic, interfering, controlling new wife; and selfish, hateful maternal grandparents (my former adoptive parents who support my ex and whom I lovingly refer to as the grandpigs – I tend to create nicknames for all the hateful and toxic people in my life – the best part is hearing my friends use those nicknames too – it just sounds funny when they do it) but also my own alienated daughter. I have a feeling that tonight is going to be “one of those nights”. Sigh. Praying that I can get some sleep tonight. Also, praying for my daughter to see the truth. To remember the truth about the things her father did to us in the past. To remember our love. To miss me. To think about me. To remember our life together. I am probably being greedy but I can’t help it. Those are the things I pray and wish for tonight and every day. I love you sweet girl. My door is always open. My heart is always open.