Dear Kyndal: You Don’t Know Me, But I Know You Were & ARE Loved! Truly.

You are my heart, Kyndal. I love you more than life itself ❤ Love, Mom

From Torn 2 Pieces 2 Peace

Dear Kyndal,

I know it’s weird getting a message from a complete stranger, right?  I’ve never written a letter to someone I don’t know, so it’s strange for me, too.  I live very far away from you — almost as far away as I do from my daughter, who goes by “Izzy.” However, the situation calls for out-of-the ordinary actions.  But the story I have for you is even more important.  You will see why once you read it all.  First, I want you to realize:  you are not alone.  Kids around the world are in your same present situation.  Secondly, I want you to know there is hope and help for the asking.

Who am I?  My parents divorced when I was around two.  Grandparents didn’t live near me.  I didn’t have any cousins near my age or even near my state.  I was an only child.  My dad quit coming around when I…

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Another day, another ridiculous excuse about why the ALIENATOR won’t be held responsible in family court!!!!

So today my lawyer tells me that “technically” my ex is not in contempt of court on child support (he has not paid since November 1st plus also owes a previous month so 4 months) because since the Judge ordered only public visits for me in November and since then I have only had public visits and no overnights. So because I have no overnights and my ex requested in his motion to stop paying child support and have me pay him child support instead – because he made that “request” – then he is technically not in contempt? This is so ridiculous. This monster continues to get away with murder. Well, how about I make a “request” that he does pay support? It is like HE  can just do whatever HE wants in family court with no repercussions. This is why I tell my lawyer that if he is this boldly contemptuous during litigation, can she imagine what my life is like with NO-ONE watching him? Disgusting. And, my lawyer is always a day late and a dollar short so she has assisted the monster and the family courts in hurting my case in my personal opinion. Had she done what I asked, when I asked – we may not be in this position right now. Yet she reminds me almost daily how she is practically working for “free” to help me right now. Gee. If she had done what I asked, when I asked …. Case might be CLOSED and done by now. Guess I am supposed to be grateful for the “lack of effort and diligence” on my case? How much more should I pay for the “lack of a sense of urgency” and the “let’s wait until it is a big cluster and then operate in putting out the fires mode”. I told her when I hired her I want to go on the offense and NOT constantly be on the defense and picking up the pieces. I have only told her that 200 times in the last year. Lastly, what kind of slime ball sleaze bag lawyer would encourage his client to NOT pay child support, not allow phone calls, deny visits and holidays, deny Skype, etc. His lawyer is a real scumbag to do that to a mother and a little girl. Especially when he knows his client was NOT involved in raising this little girl AT ALL for the first 11 and a half years of her life. I hope Karma one day visits him as well. I know it is bad because I cringed when my lawyer texted me about my case today. I don’t even want to talk to HER anymore, either. I just want to run and hide. I am done being stressed and worried. I am done being abused and beat up. I am done.

Defeated

I won’t be blogging too much for a while. Internet was disconnected as was cable. Legal fees are $$$. Today I was denied yet another visit. Of course, my ex waited until I had already driven to said meeting spot and waited 20 minutes before letting me know. Typical obsessively vindictive behavior from him. I find it downright disturbing that someone could be so consistently vindictive day in and day out for 17 straight months. That takes a lot of hate and negative energy. Apparently my daughter is upset with me again. And, he is now the savior again. He must save her from me again. I admit I am not a perfect mom and know I probably say or do things I should not from time to time but I have done the very best I can while trying to fight my way through this nightmare that I am living. The nightmare of family court and a vindictive, obsessive, narcissistic, controlling alienator. I have done the best I can with what I have. There is nothing to prepare you for having to deal with this stress while also dealing with emotions and fear and grief of losing your child and struggling financially and every other which way. I do not expect my daughter to understand this – yet – although I hope one day she does. I feel I have fought long and hard with all I have and it is just a losing battle. I am sure my ex will be filing the standard “emergency motion” to try and stop my visits again. At this point, all I have is public visits and thousands of dollars in legal fees. I assume he will now try and take my measly public visits away. We know that will take several months to get a hearing and in the meantime, we know from experience that he will deny me all visits until then. That is what he did before. When my coached, alienated and brainwashed daughter finally testified, at his urging, I had not even been allowed to see or speak to her for months. Sounds fair, right? At that point it would be time for a trial anyhow. Ridiculous. We also know that when I do go to court about this, the Judge will disregard me and berate me and demean me and treat me like garbage as is his standard protocol. Therefore, I have to do what I have to do at this point for my own sanity and for financial reasons (basic needs). I will be moving to go stay with a friend of mine in another state to try and get back on my feet. Hopefully it will make my daughter’s life less stressful if I am not around anymore. Also if I am gone and stay away, then hopefully my ex won’t feel the need to manipulate and interfere and harass anymore. That will hopefully alleviate some stress for my daughter. I will sacrifice myself if I have too. I don’t want to hurt her by saying or doing the wrong things and keep making her mad at me and I also don’t want either one of us to have to continue being harassed and being subjected to such toxic and hostile behavior from her father. I love her and I hope she knows that. And, I hope she loves me too. My heart is broken and I just don’t know what else to do anymore. I am defeated and exhausted. I am hurt that my daughter does not want to see me now. It seems everything that I say upsets her these days. Partly her age, mostly the alienation. I have tried to talk to her a little bit recently to try and resolve some things and gage her feelings and I guess it made her mad. I guess I should have stuck to just talking to her about the weather. That is pretty much what our relationship has been allowed to be reduced to over the last 17 months. She seems happy where she is. I admit it hurts me deeply and shatters my heart and soul to think she would rather live with a father who was never there for her and a step-mother she barely knows (and does not always care for) instead of me, the mom who raised her. But, I am not a psychologist and I have to quit trying to “understand” and makes “sense” or “logic” of things that are “senseless” and “illogical”. I am sure I have made mistakes or said wrong things but I am only human. I am a hurting, sad mom and I am only human so I apologize for that. I cannot even talk to her like her mother anymore. I am almost afraid to say anything anymore. I am sad that she does not seem to remember the truth. I tried to reach out to her via text but the response I got did not seem like “her” so I think HE is pretending to be her again and that HE sent the response. The wording was off. And now she is offline which she never is (on this ooVoo thing) so I think he has made it so that we will have no contact. As of course, that is what is best for her, right? I love you, sweet pea. I miss you. I am so sorry for everything you have been thru. As your mom, I never wanted this for you. I only wanted to love you and protect you. I only wanted for you to be happy. I pray you are safe, healthy and happy where you are now. I miss you so much it hurts. I miss the life we had. I am so sorry for whatever I have done to make you angry at me. Please forgive me. I will always love you  ❤ Love, Mama.

Reflection of my mother: an excerpt from my memoir

I pray that one day my daughter will have the insight to “get it” like this now adult “alienated daughter” does. I cannot wait until her memoir is published. I want a signed copy to give to my daughter.

From Torn 2 Pieces 2 Peace

My mother and I have been engaged in an awkward dance of reconnecting. We use email because it feels safe. I have time to choose my words carefully. Besides, I think that my mother is not ready to hear the sound of my voice again.

She and my father had an ugly divorce when I was five, and my father gained custody of me. A year later my father remarried and my visits with my mother stopped. I remember sneaking down to the basement when I was very young to look at the one picture with my mother in it. The others had been discarded, but my father missed this one and I was grateful. It proved to me that she was still real.

Years later I have processed so many feelings, including the anger I had at her abandoning me. I am ready to embrace my mother and become…

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Amen!!!

I say this prayer for myself and ALL of the other alienated moms out there suffering right now. Sadly, I know there are many. I love you and miss you terribly my little punkin’ 😦

There are too many people who look on and do nothing. Don’t be one of those people.

Parental Alienation is Emotional and Psychological Child Abuse. The world IS a dangerous place. There are too many people who look on and do nothing. They don’t step in. They don’t offer to help. They sit idly by knowing a wrong is taking place. Don’t be one of those people.

Disconnected …… in more ways than one

Well, cable was just shut down so no TV. Internet will be next so I may not be able to blog for awhile. Just sent email to lawyer letting her know that she will have to text or call me if she needs me as no more internet access soon. Also let her know that I don’t think it is fair that I am expected to maintain a larger, more expensive 2 bedroom apartment as if I had my daughter in order to get her back yet my ex has decided he no longer has to pay his child support. 3 months past due going on 4. He has requested to stop paying it 3 or 4 times now and since the judge never agreed to that (yet) he has decided on his own to grant his motion. Typical abusive, controlling police officer. This has been his plan all along. To frustrate me emotionally by using the only thing I love and care about (my daughter) and to bankrupt me financially and force me to give up on my only child. As we all know in family court, you have to be able to afford to BUY justice and BUY your child back. A child that NEVER should have been taken from her mother in the first place. I am sure him not paying child support is OK with his police department also. After all, it is only a civil matter and civil contempt of court is not important to them. It is his way or no way and always has been. Judge can’t see his control issues by now? Of course, my lawyer sits back and does nothing even though I have been begging for help for months. I guess $10,000 in legal fees in 8 months is not enough for her to fight for me. I should have saved that money and paid the rent and cable/internet. I would have had the same results in court anyhow. This was preventable. If I had the child support, I would not be struggling this bad. I am still expected to maintain this 2 bedroom apartment, furnish it, feed her, buy her clothes, etc. but with no support. My ex makes more than 3 times what I make. I also told my lawyer that I am having to now cancel visits with my daughter as “public” visits are very expensive and I just can’t afford it. I easily spend $50 on an all day weekend visit with having to provide 2 meals plus entertainment and gas driving around town and around $20 on the week night visit. I just simply can’t afford it. How sad that I was forced to quit a perfectly good job in Destin, spent thousands to move back down here to Tampa since my daughter was kidnapped (as the biased judge let my ex ‘change his mind’ and revoke the notarized consent (lawful contract) that he had previously given me to relocate with my daughter and also revoked my court order that another judge gave me giving me permission to relocate), pay thousands in legal fees, rent and furnish 2 bedroom apartment in nice area of town and what do I have in return? Less visits than I had before and no child support. At this point, I feel like I have to fight my own lawyer who I pay to fight for me. She so obviously gave up on my case a long time ago. I just can’t fight everyone anymore. I am exhausted. This whole system makes me sick. I am in the financial gutter now. I can’t pay rent this month. I am going to have to move soon – away from my daughter and in with a friend in another state – so that I can try to get back on my feet financially. I am sure this will be held against me also even though my ex delayed and delayed the case creating excessive legal fees (trial now delayed again until late April or May) and did not pay child support which contributed greatly to me having to make this decision. Amazing, I had a good job, no debt and a perfectly good apartment in Destin less than a year ago. Family court + vindictive ex-husband + ignorant biased judge = a mother’s broken heart and spirit, financial ruin and a permanently damaged and severed 12 year mother/daughter relationship. All because my ex got someone he knew 5 months pregnant and had a shotgun marriage at the court house and now that he has a new baby, a built in babysitter/step-mom to raise our daughter, he has decided he is NOW ready to be a “daddy” and the biased judge is allowing it. 12 years too late to walk in and be daddy, IMO. Where were you the first 12 years of her life? Oh that’s right, you were busy focusing on YOU and working your way up at the police department and bar hopping with friends while I was raising our daughter full time with no help. As always, my heart remains shattered in a million pieces. I don’t think it is even repairable at this point. My advice for all of you, if you are ever in a similar situation, is do not go to court for help or justice. If you are in family court, self-help (like my ex has done) is definitely the way to go. That is what I have learned from this whole experience. You are better off doing that then trying to be honest and play by the rules. Do not go to court for justice because you will not get it.

The Parental Alienation Roller Coaster ……..

I cry out of the blue. I get angry out of the blue. I hear things that trigger reminders of the hell that I have been going thru for the past 16 months and my mood shifts from sad to optimistic to angry. The daily parental alienation roller coaster …….. I would not wish this pain on anyone. My fear is that I don’t ever see an end in sight. Even after my daughter is 18 and an “adult” by law, this permanent damage cannot be undone. You can’t un-ring the bell. Just makes me so so sad that our lives are forever altered and not in a good way. I get so frustrated. Why did she have to say what she said in court? I know she was coached. I know she was brainwashed. I know she was intimidated and harassed for 16 months by her father, his new wife, their friends and family. I know I have wanted to give up more than once so I am sure she has too. I just hoped so badly that she would remember and tell the truth about everything. I am so sad that she is so tainted that she unknowingly threw me under the family court bus. Why would she say she wants to live with her father for the “majority” of the time? Doesn’t she know any problems that we have can be worked out? Problems that are a direct result of the last 16 months of HIS constant interference and manipulation. It breaks my heart. Is the built in step-sister / BFF so much fun that it trumps her mom? Is having a new baby half sister such a fun and new novelty that her mom does not matter anymore? Is it all that plus the lack of supervision at their house that she likes – such as she can stay up until 3am with her step-sister and watch scary movies and social network on all kinds of internet sites? She is only 12 so that worries me constantly yet I have no control to be able to protect her. I don’t have the money or the spirit to continue this fight or re-start this fight at a later date should she ever “change her mind” at some point in the future and want to come back home so I can only now pray for her happiness, safety and well-being at their home. I feel like I have to move forward with my life, start rebuilding (financially, physically, emotionally, spiritually) and find a way to accept what has happened. I feel like I have fought as hard as I could with everything I had for as long as I could. Including having to fight my own lawyers to try and get them to take action for me and move my case along. It is just exhausting. Now I am having to not only fight a vindictive, pathological lying ex-husband; his psychotic, interfering, controlling new wife; and selfish, hateful maternal grandparents (my former adoptive parents who support my ex and whom I lovingly refer to as the grandpigs – I tend to create nicknames for all the hateful and toxic people in my life – the best part is hearing my friends use those nicknames too – it just sounds funny when they do it) but also my own alienated daughter. I have a feeling that tonight is going to be “one of those nights”. Sigh. Praying that I can get some sleep tonight. Also, praying for my daughter to see the truth. To remember the truth about the things her father did to us in the past. To remember our love. To miss me. To think about me. To remember our life together. I am probably being greedy but I can’t help it. Those are the things I pray and wish for tonight and every day. I love you sweet girl. My door is always open. My heart is always open.

So true.

Shame On You …………

Things I learned last night. 1. My daughter went to school on Monday morning in 32 degree weather in a sweater. Because she lost her jacket. Which really isn’t a jacket. It is a thin hoodie type of jacket from Aeropostle with NO lining. They could not “find” something else for her to wear to keep her warm? 2. Because she lost this jacket, she does not get any of the chore money she has earned for sweeping and mopping all the floors and babysitting because she now has to buy that jacket back. Even though she has another similar Danskin warm up jacket that I bought her that she can use (she left it at a friend’s house but she will be able to retrieve it unlike the Aeropostle jacket). But no, she still has to give up months worth of her piddly amount of chore money. Guess they need it to pay those legal bills? 3. My almost 13 year old daughter recently had a sleepover with her same age step sister at her step sister’s MALE friends house. My daughter did not want to go as it is not even her friend but was made to go. When she got there, it was not only this one MALE friend but also another MALE friend that he had invited as well. So let’s get this straight. 2 teen age girls and 2 teen age boys had a sleep over together at the boys house. On top of that, my daughter said she was very uncomfortable because the boy whose house it was has ANGER issues. He was screaming at his mom, calling her a b*tch (all over some video game he lost because his mom had the nerve to talk and interrupt his playing). My daughter said he was screaming, his face was turning red and his veins were popping out. Her description, not mine. She did not even know the other boy. She said she wanted to go home because she did not feel comfortable. I asked her, and she confirmed, that she had in fact texted her dad and his new wife and told them what was going on but apparently no one thought it important enough to go and get her. I assume it was probably “date night” and they were looking to get rid of all the kids in the home for the night? This is by far the first time something like this has happened. Just the latest. Of course, my daughter then begged me not to tell her dad that she had told me for fear of retaliation. So, I, as her mother, once again, cannot even convey my parental concerns to him because I have to protect her in that manner. I can’t protect her in one manner because I have to protect her in another. If I did go to him, she would then of course be angry with me for telling him because he will take it out on her. SO, what do I do? I am in a lose lose position. These are the kind of things that as a mom infuriate me. This is who is now in charge of my daughter’s safety and well-being? Are you kidding me? Praying that she can keep warm, stay healthy and not get sick prior to exams next week. Also praying she is not forced to attend any more sleep overs with BOYS she does not know who have obvious behavior issues. I wish she would have texted me. I would have gone and picked her up in a heartbeat. Regardless of ignorant court orders from biased Judges. Praying for the truth to come out some way some how. Praying for my daughter’s safety. Praying that my hands are allowed to be untied from behind my back so that I can help protect my only daughter. Praying at some point that this Judge gets some wisdom. I only want the “whole” truth to come out. How long does my daughter have to suffer from others lack of judgment and concern and care? And by others, I am including the Judge who never has time to listen to all the facts and concerns. Whatever happens to my daughter, I rest squarely on his shoulders and the shoulders of anyone else who has contributed and or supported these two such as my “former” adoptive parents who have selfishly helped my ex-husband in this case in order to ensure their own (half-hearted and when it’s convenient) relationship with my daughter continues. At the risk of her mental, emotional and physical well-being. Shame on you grandparents. Grandparents who had not even spoken to this ex-husband in 11 years until the kidnapping. The kidnapping they helped him plan. Traumatizing both me and my daughter. Now they are suddenly “best friends” with him. Shame on you. Shame on you Judge. Shame on you dad. Shame on you step-mom. Shame on you all.